CHAPTER NINE
DONG!
"OH SHI-!"
Zunderella was squatting in deepshit alright. She didn't have enough money to cover the Taxi's midnight charge so she's going to have to get on a cab before the twelfth “DONG!” or walk all the way home.
DONG!
"I have to go!"
Actually she could have asked the prince for a lift and the parting scene could have been all romantic like the one with Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. But since Zunderella is a sticker for fairy tale traditions, we're getting this shitty scene. Blame her if you want.
DONG!
"But I don't even know your real name yet!"
DONG!
"But I told you already!"
DONG!
"I forgot!"
DONG!
"I'm -”
DONG!
"What? You’re a Dong??"
DONG!
"NO!! ARGHH!!! I give up! I really have to go! Bye! Ciao! Sayonara!"
DONG!
"Wait up!"
DONG!
"NANNY NANNY POO POO! YOU CANNOT CATCH ME!"
DONG!
"But I’m still holding on to your silicon padded push-up bra that i accidentally ripped off as i was clinging on to you for dear life while you swung from chandelier to chandelier fending off the shape shifting monsters with your toothbrush and you maintained the squatting posture throughout that action sequence!"
DONG!
Zunderella probably did not hear that last one, for by the twelfth “DONG!” she was already safely inside a taxi and on her way home.
CHAPTER TEN
The following day, the headlines of The Recent Thing That You Write On Or Wrap Things With read thus:
"PRINCE SEARCHING FOR BRA OWNER
The Prince is currently searching for the owner of a silicon padded push-up bra. The Prince reportedly accidentally ripped off the bra as he was clinging on to the owner for dear life while she swung from chandelier to chandelier fending off shape shifting monsters with her toothbrush and she maintained a squatting posture throughout that action sequence. The palace has decreed that all must submit themselves for bra-fitting in order to identify the mystery owner. The public is advised to remain at home and await further instructions while the Royal Bra-fitter makes his rounds."
The whole country was now buzzing with excitement. Women, and non-traditional men, all over the land are now dizzy with the prospect of marrying the prince. Do note that nowhere in the announcement was it mentioned that the mystery owner will be marrying the prince. For all they know the mystery owner could be wanted for High Treason, Unnatural Sex Acts and Crimes Against Humanity.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
It was now Zunderella's turn to get fitted.
Lili, Lulu, Lala, and of course, Tes, anxiously await their turn. Wily old Tes, aware of the fairy tale convention that the true owner must be the last one to try on the bra, had arranged the line-up such that Zunderella went first and she herself last.
Zunderella's fingers trembled as she reached around to clasp the bra.
It was the moment of truth.
...
...
...
"Eh?"
"Too small. Next!", announced the Royal Bra-fitter matter-of-factly. If you're wondering which was too small, he was referring to the bra.
Zunderella's mouth was hanging wide open, probably with shock. She was practically bursting out of the bra that she had fit so snugly into just the night before. How can this be?
Well, unbeknownst to her, she had gained tonnes of Experience Points (EXP) while fighting the shape shifting monsters and had Leveled Up.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Ok, let's speed the story up a bit.
Tes was obviously quite happy that her strategy worked somewhat. But too bad for her, it was Lala who managed to fit into the bra. Not too big a problem though, for the prince is open to the idea of fivesomes, and Lili, Lulu, Lala and Tes entered the palace with the prince and they lived happily ever after.
Zunderella, now rid of her oppressive Evil Stepmother and 3 Evil Older Stepsisters, set out to make a name for herself with her newfound monster slaying skills. She traveled to distant lands, protecting the weak and helping the poor, in the process Leveling Up many times and finding freedom and ultimate happiness, as I had promised earlier.
And that was how the Legend of Zunderella came to be.
Famous as she was, though, one thing about her remains a mystery.
No, it is not her real name.
Her name's Maria.
To this day...
No one...
Not a single soul...
Knows why Zunderella squats.
THE END
Showing posts with label The Legend of Zunderella. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Legend of Zunderella. Show all posts
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Legend of Zunderella - Part Two
CHAPTER FIVE
"Bye~ Zunderella~!”
Squealed Lala yet again. If you haven't figured it out by now, Lala is a squealer.
"I want every inch of this house scrubbed clean by the time we get back, you hear me?” scowled Tes.
"Oh ya, you can play with your toothbrush while we go get our USB plugged with the prince's peripherals if you know what i mean! Hahahahaha..."
That last one was either Lili or Lulu. At this point in time those two don't really have any distinguishing traits for this narrator to tell them apart.
Bang!
The door slammed shut as Zunderella squat there with her toothbrush.
She was all alone.
She started playing with her toothbrush.
CHAPTER SIX
"Oi."
"Huh..."
"Oi. Wake up."
"Wha..."
"Wake the fuck up lah, bitch."
Zunderella opened her eyes with a start. She had fallen asleep after playing with her toothbrush. Quickly, she searched the room for the voice's owner. Her eyes soon fell upon a.
"o_0".
"Aiyo! What the toot is that?", the strange girl hissed, obviously running out of patience.
"Are you my Fairy Godmother?"
Don't ask me how Zunderella arrived at this conclusion. Anyway -
Smack!
Zunderella remembered her real name.
"How in the world you mistake a chio bu for that auntie?!! Call me that again and I’ll wallop you."
"But... uh... Miss, uh..."
"Call me Fairy Pretty Jie Jie. And stop squatting there. Go get changed."
"But my clothes are all too Ah Lian for the ball..."
"How you know I’m here to help you go to the ball? Ah, never mind, since you know the story so well, i don't have to explain the whole midnight thing, right?"
"You mean the everything will change back at 12 o'clock thing?"
"No, i mean the after 12 o'clock must pay midnight charge thing."
"Oh."
"So come back early. Ok, i change you already ah, ready - Change!"
Poof!
"Wha!! So nice!! Eh... but where's the glass slippers?"
"There are silicon pads in your push-up bra. It's the silicon that matters; glass has lots of impurities that screw up the magic."
"But i must leave the slipper behind so the prince can find me later..."
"Oh, trust me, he would prefer you leave your bra behind so much more. Now get going. Shoo."
"Well... If you say so... Bye then... And thanks!"
"Oh ya, you getting there yourself ah. Not allowed to give you a carriage cos those 3 Blind Mice that drove the pumpkin knocked down some stupid uncle."
CHAPTER SEVEN
We're now at the ball.
Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty is playing in the background. The choice of music is of no significance at all, actually. (The real reason is that this narrator enjoyed the TV show Kanon and is a supporter of Mai.)
Our Zunderella was, no surprise, squatting in one corner of the palace ballroom, munching on cute octopus-shaped cocktail sausages. (Want to know how to make them octopus-shaped? Think of the osmosis experiments you did with veggie stems for Bio Practical.)
She looked like was getting bored actually. So far no one has tried to pick her up or anything. She was probably wondering whether she will die a virgin when she felt a gentle tap on her shoulder.
"Hey, wanna dance?"
It was a guy.
Knowing the author's inclination towards skimping on the actual plot while wasting words on useless trivia, it's quite safe to assume that any male character introduced at this point has got to be the Prince.
"Ok."
And they danced.
(Please go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqsvAFAMARI for a live telecast of the dance.)
CHAPTER EIGHT
This chapter is about Zunderella fighting off shape shifting monsters with her toothbrush and saving the prince. Obviously she does this while squatting. The actual writing has been outsourced, so this is just a placeholder until the manuscript gets back from India.
To be continued...
"Bye~ Zunderella~!”
Squealed Lala yet again. If you haven't figured it out by now, Lala is a squealer.
"I want every inch of this house scrubbed clean by the time we get back, you hear me?” scowled Tes.
"Oh ya, you can play with your toothbrush while we go get our USB plugged with the prince's peripherals if you know what i mean! Hahahahaha..."
That last one was either Lili or Lulu. At this point in time those two don't really have any distinguishing traits for this narrator to tell them apart.
Bang!
The door slammed shut as Zunderella squat there with her toothbrush.
She was all alone.
She started playing with her toothbrush.
CHAPTER SIX
"Oi."
"Huh..."
"Oi. Wake up."
"Wha..."
"Wake the fuck up lah, bitch."
Zunderella opened her eyes with a start. She had fallen asleep after playing with her toothbrush. Quickly, she searched the room for the voice's owner. Her eyes soon fell upon a
"o_0".
"Aiyo! What the toot is that?", the strange girl hissed, obviously running out of patience.
"Are you my Fairy Godmother?"
Don't ask me how Zunderella arrived at this conclusion. Anyway -
Smack!
Zunderella remembered her real name.
"How in the world you mistake a chio bu for that auntie?!! Call me that again and I’ll wallop you."
"But... uh... Miss, uh..."
"Call me Fairy Pretty Jie Jie. And stop squatting there. Go get changed."
"But my clothes are all too Ah Lian for the ball..."
"How you know I’m here to help you go to the ball? Ah, never mind, since you know the story so well, i don't have to explain the whole midnight thing, right?"
"You mean the everything will change back at 12 o'clock thing?"
"No, i mean the after 12 o'clock must pay midnight charge thing."
"Oh."
"So come back early. Ok, i change you already ah, ready - Change!"
Poof!
"Wha!! So nice!! Eh... but where's the glass slippers?"
"There are silicon pads in your push-up bra. It's the silicon that matters; glass has lots of impurities that screw up the magic."
"But i must leave the slipper behind so the prince can find me later..."
"Oh, trust me, he would prefer you leave your bra behind so much more. Now get going. Shoo."
"Well... If you say so... Bye then... And thanks!"
"Oh ya, you getting there yourself ah. Not allowed to give you a carriage cos those 3 Blind Mice that drove the pumpkin knocked down some stupid uncle."
CHAPTER SEVEN
We're now at the ball.
Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty is playing in the background. The choice of music is of no significance at all, actually. (The real reason is that this narrator enjoyed the TV show Kanon and is a supporter of Mai.)
Our Zunderella was, no surprise, squatting in one corner of the palace ballroom, munching on cute octopus-shaped cocktail sausages. (Want to know how to make them octopus-shaped? Think of the osmosis experiments you did with veggie stems for Bio Practical.)
She looked like was getting bored actually. So far no one has tried to pick her up or anything. She was probably wondering whether she will die a virgin when she felt a gentle tap on her shoulder.
"Hey, wanna dance?"
It was a guy.
Knowing the author's inclination towards skimping on the actual plot while wasting words on useless trivia, it's quite safe to assume that any male character introduced at this point has got to be the Prince.
"Ok."
And they danced.
(Please go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqsvAFAMARI for a live telecast of the dance.)
CHAPTER EIGHT
This chapter is about Zunderella fighting off shape shifting monsters with her toothbrush and saving the prince. Obviously she does this while squatting. The actual writing has been outsourced, so this is just a placeholder until the manuscript gets back from India.
To be continued...
Saturday, November 10, 2007
The Legend of Zunderella - Part One
CHAPTER ONE
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a young girl by the name of Zunderella. In case you're wondering how "young", rest assured that she is legal for most of the things we're making her do in this story.
Actually, Zunderella is not her real name. No, she's not Tsundere. People just call her that because she likes squatting on the floor. And how do we know that? Well... since I'm not an omniscient narrator... we don't. To be exact, she is seen to be squatting most of the time. And if we had to hazard a guess as to why, wouldn't "she likes squatting" sound reasonable?
Of course, the posture could also be explained by the fact that she's forced to scrub the floor with a toothbrush all day long by her Evil Stepmother and 3 Evil Older Stepsisters. Either way, since both possibilities are not mutually exclusive, who's to say that Zunderella does not like squatting?
I'm sure we are all familiar with the concept of Evil Stepmothers and Stepsisters because of a certain other fairy tale featuring an Evil Stepmother and 3 Evil Older Stepsisters, so I wouldn't try to bore you by spending too much time on them. People with no idea what I’m talking about, please refer to the entry for “Rella, Cinde” in any encyclopedia.
That said, there is one interesting thing to point out about the 3 Evil Older Stepsisters though. Stepsisters, unlike Half-sisters, share no blood relation. Hence, having 3 OLDER Stepsisters need not involve any time travel, thus debunking the hypothesis that their presence is a Time Paradox that would unravel the very fabric of this story.
By the way, their names are Lili, Lulu and Lala.
CHAPTER TWO
The story begins on a day which is extremely normal, considering fairy tale conventions.
Lala, while flipping through a copy of the tabloid "The Recent Thing That You Write On Or Wrap Things With", squeals excitedly:
"Ooh~!!! Ooh~!! Ball~!!! Ball~!!!"
"What? Is it the one that footballer kicked in VJC? Or the one he shot to the moon in the penalty shootout against Portugal?"
"Oi, Lulu, don't be an idiot," scolded Lili. "Everyone knows "Ball" is a fictional weapon from the anime series Mobile Suit Gundam and also a slang term for testicles and copulation. See... it says so right here at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ball_(disambiguation) ."
For the record, Lili actually pronounced all the %s, _s and /s.
"You're both bloody idiots~!!!!", Lala squealed again. "We've all been invited to take part in this contest where this loser who can't get hitched on his own gets to screw around with a house full of desperate pneumocephalus afflicted girls and the whole world watches~!!!". (Translation: Pneumo = Air, Cephalus = Head)
It should be mentioned at this point that Lala has a history of congenital pneumocephalus and shouldn't be trusted to accurately report whatever's in the paper. She got the main idea though.
The actual announcement goes like this:
"The Prince would be holding a grand Ball, tonight, 8.00pm. All ladies and non-traditional gentlemen invited."
Let's just say the Prince is not too picky about the number of USB ports on his laptop.
CHAPTER THREE
Zunderella, who has been squatting quietly beside her Stepsisters all this time, was curious about this whole ball thing. She hasn't been to a party since her father died in a hit-and-run accident one night many years ago. Eyewitness accounts tell of a Pumpkin Carriage fleeing the scene, but the story has largely been dismissed as fabrication and the culprit remains at large. Interestingly, most psychiatric assessment questionnaires now include the question "How often do you see Pumpkin Carriages?”.
Anyway, as I was saying, Zunderella was curious about this ball thing. She's probably gotten some childish ideas about balls and princes from the story books she has read. Uh, no... She does not watch Prince of Tennis on Kids Central.
Come to think of it, isn't it very possible that at some point in time she might have thought "Wouldn't it be nice if I went to this ball, married the Prince, and lived happily ever after?"?
This childish dream might just be the trigger that drove Zunderella to embark on her epic journey to freedom and ultimate happiness.
CHAPTER FOUR
"NO."
The Evil Stepmother glared.
Let's just call her Tes, short for The Evil Stepmother.
"But why...?"
Zunderella whimpered, as she squat before the towering Tes.
"There are many reasons why, like how if you do show up you'll make Lili, Lulu and Lala look like the fugly cow dung that they are. But the main thing is this - I don't like you. No means no and that's final."
"That's not right."
Zunderella whispered under her breadth.
"Hmm?"
Tes stared menacingly down at our heroine, seemingly determined to extinguish this spark of defiance before it ignites the flames of rebellion.
"You have no right."
Slightly louder this time.
"Huh? Rights you say? Let me tell you this - I might not have the right, but i have all the AUTHORITY. And that's how this world works. Now go help your sisters prepare for the ball before I smack you so hard you remember your real name."
Apparently, Zunderella does not like remembering her real name. The battle lost, she chooses to live and fight another day.
(Chapter notes: Nobody knows how whimpering Zunderella managed to evolve into defiant Zunderella. I, the narrator, am not omniscient and wouldn't know what's going on in her head. One thing I can vouch for is that it's definitely not because the author got lazy and skimped on character development.)
To be continued...
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a young girl by the name of Zunderella. In case you're wondering how "young", rest assured that she is legal for most of the things we're making her do in this story.
Actually, Zunderella is not her real name. No, she's not Tsundere. People just call her that because she likes squatting on the floor. And how do we know that? Well... since I'm not an omniscient narrator... we don't. To be exact, she is seen to be squatting most of the time. And if we had to hazard a guess as to why, wouldn't "she likes squatting" sound reasonable?
Of course, the posture could also be explained by the fact that she's forced to scrub the floor with a toothbrush all day long by her Evil Stepmother and 3 Evil Older Stepsisters. Either way, since both possibilities are not mutually exclusive, who's to say that Zunderella does not like squatting?
I'm sure we are all familiar with the concept of Evil Stepmothers and Stepsisters because of a certain other fairy tale featuring an Evil Stepmother and 3 Evil Older Stepsisters, so I wouldn't try to bore you by spending too much time on them. People with no idea what I’m talking about, please refer to the entry for “Rella, Cinde” in any encyclopedia.
That said, there is one interesting thing to point out about the 3 Evil Older Stepsisters though. Stepsisters, unlike Half-sisters, share no blood relation. Hence, having 3 OLDER Stepsisters need not involve any time travel, thus debunking the hypothesis that their presence is a Time Paradox that would unravel the very fabric of this story.
By the way, their names are Lili, Lulu and Lala.
CHAPTER TWO
The story begins on a day which is extremely normal, considering fairy tale conventions.
Lala, while flipping through a copy of the tabloid "The Recent Thing That You Write On Or Wrap Things With", squeals excitedly:
"Ooh~!!! Ooh~!! Ball~!!! Ball~!!!"
"What? Is it the one that footballer kicked in VJC? Or the one he shot to the moon in the penalty shootout against Portugal?"
"Oi, Lulu, don't be an idiot," scolded Lili. "Everyone knows "Ball" is a fictional weapon from the anime series Mobile Suit Gundam and also a slang term for testicles and copulation. See... it says so right here at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ball_(disambiguation) ."
For the record, Lili actually pronounced all the %s, _s and /s.
"You're both bloody idiots~!!!!", Lala squealed again. "We've all been invited to take part in this contest where this loser who can't get hitched on his own gets to screw around with a house full of desperate pneumocephalus afflicted girls and the whole world watches~!!!". (Translation: Pneumo = Air, Cephalus = Head)
It should be mentioned at this point that Lala has a history of congenital pneumocephalus and shouldn't be trusted to accurately report whatever's in the paper. She got the main idea though.
The actual announcement goes like this:
"The Prince would be holding a grand Ball, tonight, 8.00pm. All ladies and non-traditional gentlemen invited."
Let's just say the Prince is not too picky about the number of USB ports on his laptop.
CHAPTER THREE
Zunderella, who has been squatting quietly beside her Stepsisters all this time, was curious about this whole ball thing. She hasn't been to a party since her father died in a hit-and-run accident one night many years ago. Eyewitness accounts tell of a Pumpkin Carriage fleeing the scene, but the story has largely been dismissed as fabrication and the culprit remains at large. Interestingly, most psychiatric assessment questionnaires now include the question "How often do you see Pumpkin Carriages?”.
Anyway, as I was saying, Zunderella was curious about this ball thing. She's probably gotten some childish ideas about balls and princes from the story books she has read. Uh, no... She does not watch Prince of Tennis on Kids Central.
Come to think of it, isn't it very possible that at some point in time she might have thought "Wouldn't it be nice if I went to this ball, married the Prince, and lived happily ever after?"?
This childish dream might just be the trigger that drove Zunderella to embark on her epic journey to freedom and ultimate happiness.
CHAPTER FOUR
"NO."
The Evil Stepmother glared.
Let's just call her Tes, short for The Evil Stepmother.
"But why...?"
Zunderella whimpered, as she squat before the towering Tes.
"There are many reasons why, like how if you do show up you'll make Lili, Lulu and Lala look like the fugly cow dung that they are. But the main thing is this - I don't like you. No means no and that's final."
"That's not right."
Zunderella whispered under her breadth.
"Hmm?"
Tes stared menacingly down at our heroine, seemingly determined to extinguish this spark of defiance before it ignites the flames of rebellion.
"You have no right."
Slightly louder this time.
"Huh? Rights you say? Let me tell you this - I might not have the right, but i have all the AUTHORITY. And that's how this world works. Now go help your sisters prepare for the ball before I smack you so hard you remember your real name."
Apparently, Zunderella does not like remembering her real name. The battle lost, she chooses to live and fight another day.
(Chapter notes: Nobody knows how whimpering Zunderella managed to evolve into defiant Zunderella. I, the narrator, am not omniscient and wouldn't know what's going on in her head. One thing I can vouch for is that it's definitely not because the author got lazy and skimped on character development.)
To be continued...
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