Gwyneth Paltrow's Ass is Sekushi

Could have made a gif if i remembered how to. It's been a while.

Wa! Pages 2 and 3 of the morning paper of record all filled with official responses to facebook/blog posts.

If the paper is a Brit tabloid i'd be more interested in Page 3, but since it's not let's talk about page 2. (Not to mention Page 3 is detention without trial, Abu Ghraib anal rape material. This blogger is spineless, and therefore practices self censorship in the hope of self-preservation. Uncle Bread hero sia.)

So the Authorities are "reviewing" training procedures again because of the case that made some fucktard who happens to have a vagina* go "weak? LOL". Yay. Cold comfort. Training suspension cannot go on indefinitely. (Don't throw smoke how to cover backside? M4 = essential equipment.)

The issue being a supposedly rare allergy to chemicals, i expect nothing much will change with respect to training for individuals with a history of asthma. 20% is perhaps too large a proportion to allocate to non-combat vocations. At most, the poor fellows will be made to wear bright blue helmets, or the safety detail will have more med support on standby etc. But training will go on.

That said, the way that the Authorities are reacting to online sentiments does not make them look too good. Be more proactive, man. The first official response to the online letter, the statement that training had been suspended, was made only after the letter had been making its rounds for almost a week. That's a gazzilion years in internet time. What's more, declining to confirm when the suspension began is just going to fuel talk that this is a bullshit PR repair job. If the suspension had kicked in, say, a week after the poor guy's death, the Authorities should have done themselves a favour and announced it at the 14 May parliamentary session while answering questions on the case.

And why does it take 6 months to investigate? They should have hired the cast of CSI and have the case wrapped up in 60 minutes (commercials included).

Yay. Fuck this shit. The new 'stats' tab on the blogger dashboard is giving me some funky lolz. Like how somebody arrived here by googling "kuribayashi minami breast". I have a feeling i'll get along fine with the guy.

Btw, rierie got married some time ago, to Spike. Shiraishi Ryoko, aka Hayate the combat Butler, got married to some other guy too. It's okay. Life goes on. =p

*i am not a genitalist, i.e. i do not discriminate against people based on their genitalia. In fact, i love vaginas. Just to be on the safe side, i should add that i love one particular vagina more than others.

生き雛祭り

Big Brother is Watching. And I Helped a Bit.

I think i have finally succeeded in unsubscribing from this irritating magazine. It took repeated attempts and about two years, but, hey, success! Then again, someone over there might have just realised that i have not been paying them for all the unsolicited issues. Two years! Talk about administrative lapses. Hoho.

Seems like a pyrrhic victory though. The fookers* would probably just deduct the fees from any future reimbursements to me for my very worthless time. Thank you very much. Btw, isn't this an unfair business practice? Could they have ignored my fooking pleas to fooking unsubscribe because they have the means to coerce me into payment sometime in the future?

Sigh.

If Tony Leung was willing to star in a badly-made kung fu comedy about the Battle of Red Cliff, perhaps he might consider playing my role in this really farcical movie i've been signed on to against my will. He will definitely be able to exercise his Golden Horse Award-worthy acting chops as the tortured free spirit chafing against the suffocating chains of bureaucratic idiocy. It's tentatively titled "The Battle Against Red Tape", though the studio executives are leaning towards "FML - How to Call People Out on Their BS and Get Court Marshalled".

Nah. I'm just being dramatic.

Laugh, it's a joke.

To remind myself why i can't stand the magazine, i dug out an old unpublished post. (Don't ask me why i would do that, i'm a masochist sometimes.)

Titled "Yes, I'm a Plane Nut", this unpublished post from almost three years ago is about how i disagreed with the way a particular article in the magazine was written. Judging by the general lack of sarcasm, it must have been written on a bright and sunny day while i overdosed on Prozac.


Old Post Goes Here:
--------------------------

Just some of my thoughts on an article about this cool new plane. The report was from the Dec issue of this magazine I subscribe to. Didn’t really like the way it was written though.

“This latest variant of the renowned F-15 fighter is modeled after the F-15E Strike Eagle, which has the distinguished combat record of 104 kills to 0 losses.”

Not true as far as I know. I’m pretty sure it’s the air-superiority variants that were responsible for that record, i.e, the F-15A-Ds. The Strike Eagle had a much less impressive air-to-air history if i remember right, which I believe is possibly due to the differing missions flown. (Present day edit: Not to mention that it is futile to compare the kill:loss ratios of individual airframes; airforces fight as a system.)

“Although the original F-15 was meant to be a multi-role fighter, the earlier A to D models were never configured for ground duties.”

Some accounts I’ve read of the F-15’s development spoke of the Mig-25 as the F-15’s raison d'être, which gave me the impression that the project was initially a purely air-to-air thingy, while the E-variant required quite a substantial redesign to accommodate the new role (something like 30% of the air frame?). They even supposedly had a catchy design adage which went “not a pound for air-to-ground”. The writer did mention the modifications; my problem is with the phrase “original F-15 was meant to be a multi-role fighter”. Maybe he had access to industry sources which say otherwise? Too bad he didn’t quote them, I would have been really interested in reading up. No, I’m not being sarcastic, my own “facts” are based on possibly embellished accounts in flight sim manuals which are not too reliable.

 

 

“Other key systems that give the F-15*bleep* an edge over other fighters include the Joint Helmet-Mounted Cueing System (JHMCS).”

I think the MIGs have had such a system for years. There were reports (which i didn't cite cos i can't be bothered to find them, haha) about USAF F-16s getting pwned by Indian MIGs in joint exercises several years back, and one of the reasons cited was the lack of the helmet thingy for US jets. (Of course they could have got pwned on purpose to scare congress into releasing money for new fighter projects like the F-22, but who knows?). My point is this: Considering the likely adversaries of the F-15*bleep*, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to say that the JHMCS will simply level the playing field? The writer is giving other regional air forces far too little credit, though I do understand that this is meant to be a feel-good piece for domestic consumption.

Actually this was initially meant as a letter to the editor for the magazine, but I decided not to mail it in the end. The writer is probably just some conscript tasked with writing some propaganda. I can imagine that he’s probably on a tight editorial leash, so no point telling them that the piece was rather skewed – it’s meant to be so.

 

------------------------------

Old Post Ends

 

 

Once upon a time, I was tasked with writing a report characterising a particular foreign news magazine. I came to the conclusion that it was superficial, factually suspect, and way too self-congratulatory. To help our clients understand my point more easily, i reported that it was "very similar to our own magazine". I hoped they drew the right conclusions from that.

 

*Got to be careful with the fooking about nowadays. The big boys fook back.

 

Bite Me, Garrus

 

Weird newspaper headlines are weird.

 

"Poly Grad Found Dead".

 

Seriously?

 

So if a certain William Henry Gates III were to die today, my morning papers tomorrow would read "High School Grad Explodes in Shower of Gore and Guts"?

 

The conspiracy theorist in me suspects that his occupation might have been somewhat inconvenient.

 

"Conscript Found Dead" certainly does not sound nice.

 

That said, i recognise that it is unfair to associate his unfortunate demise with whatever obligations he owed to the state. The fellow was probably off duty, been drinking with friends, shit like this could have happened to anybody. Let's not make any unfounded insinuations, right?

 

So why draw attention to his alma mater/level of education?

 

Wouldn't "Man Found Dead" have been more appropriate?

 

Oh, but why not go one step further and make it gender neutral with "Person Found Dead"?

 

Hmm, then again maybe making so many assumptions would be giving short shrift to the work of philosophers who agonize so greatly over the human condition.

 

How does "Mass of Organic Matter Found Devoid of Self-Sustaining Biological Processes" sound? "Wave-matter Found Neither Dead Nor Alive"?

 

Did i just bitch about the headline after reading about someone dying? Did i just try to make a few smart ass comments too? Was that... insensitive?

 

Well... nobody said i wasn't a bastard (i mean, literally not a single person has ever come up to my face and said, " You are not a bastard.").

 

Ya. So bite me.

 

Enjoy some amputee FemShep upskirt. Bioware is so damn kinky.

 

 

 

 

So my Shepard has naturally black hair. Hmm.

p.s. i got the "self-sustaining biological processes" thing from some religious website. Good luck to all the walking dead with pacemakers. Btw, at what level do you think Kong Hee can Turn Undead?

劲雨煦风

Intro from Hudong Baike (hudong.com):

"本书记述了唐家璇同志在1998—2008年间担任外交部长及国务委员期间经历的11件外交大事，文字朴实生动，有丰富的事件背景材料和诸多首次公开的外交细节，每个事件之后都有唐家璇同志的深刻思考和理性分析，这些外交大事，在一定程度上勾画出了这一时期中国外交的主要脉络。体现了中国随着综合国力的提升，在世界外交舞台上愈来愈发挥着重大作用。"


Wah! So damn zai, right?

Unfortunately, the translated english copy (pictured above) that i'm chugging through now seems to be missing the "simple, yet vivid (朴实生动)" language. Three chapters in and i can't find much "deep thought (深刻思考)" or "rational analysis 理性分析" either. Something must have gotten  really lost in translation, or this giant tome must be too high level for me, i.e. the country bumpkin of a noob without a non-erroneous historical perspective due to a "biased history education and family influence". Or something like that.

Guess i'll give up before i drown in his laundry list of "undeniable objective historical facts".


Back to oggling kawaii jap chicks:

Whores

Trim & Fit Yet Rather Fat & Bloated

Wa lao eh, combat rations now also must trim and fit sia nahbeh chaocheebye. What is the point leh? LPPL right?

Huh? Healthier is good ah, you say? Boy boy very fat already suppose to lose weight in army mah, how can eat fatty combat rations, right?
WRONG.

Alright, Limpeh must clarilify first ah. i not saying trim and fit food no good for boy boy. I just saying i dun think the whole exercise got contribute much to ops readiness ah, and we dun even know how much lui they spend on the project.

"Why useless?" you ask.

Ok, Limpeh now tell you why this plan sounds damn cock to me.

Reason Number 1:

A healthy diet is a long term thing. I believe any sensible nutritionist will tell you that. Eating char kway teow once a week is not really going to make much of a difference to my waistline if i eat like St Francis of Assisi the other six days.

So, the question is, how many days each month is a soldier in an active unit required to feast on fatty, unhealthy, greasy combat rations? Not too many actually. Our boys get hot meals in the cookhouse most of the time, and combat rations are, in fact, somewhat of a novelty for most. A commander who makes his men eat combat rations everyday is either a goondu or trying to get rid of expiring stock.

What about long training stints in the jungles of *insert countryof choice*? Ok, Jungle Confidene Course is 10 days, and they teach you how to cook monitor lizards which i hear is quite lean and low in cholesterol. The longest longest ever jungle training is the Ranger course at 70 days. Wa, more than 2 months of fatty rations all become fatty bumbum already ah? haha. I challenge you to find me a fat Ranger trainee who is more than halfway through the course. If you can, i suck your cock.

Ok, you say, so what about real war? Cannot control how long we need to fight right? Limpeh tell you hard truth - if anyone need to eat combat rations for more than a few weeks during a hot war, their waistlines will be the last thing we'll be worrying about.

Reason Number 2:

For every day in the field, boy boy needs 3350 kcal of energy to fight.

Now we see the calorie content of the different nutritious stuff ah.

Fat: 9 kcal/g
Protein: 4 kcal/g
Carbs: 4 kcal/g
Alcohol: 7 kcal/g

Now you tell me which one most efficient to carry into combat in terms of weight. If you dunno i tell you, it's the fat lah!!

Of course you cannot make boy boy drink cooking oil right, so the rations now still got carbs and protein and some dietary fibre, but sadly no alcohol (officially).

BUT!

Now the zenghu tell us they buy these new rations with our money ah, is got LESS FATS BUT STILL LIGHTER THAN OLD RATIONS wor!!!

Wa... what longevity elixir they put inside sia. Just eat the Jigong's gaokueh then stomach full already is it? Cannot be, what.

So means either the total calorie content got to go down (i.e. boy boy not enough energy), or they synthesize some spanking new compound that is more efficient that fats (i.e. the lifescience people can shout "HUAT AH!!!" and collect their Nobel prize).

Or they make the "weight go down" by using enviromentally friendly edible packaging, i.e. they want you to eat the cardboard packet, and assume that you can digest cellulose like a horse when they do their nutritional content computations.

OR, they smoking us as usual.


Reason Number 3:

If boy boy is actually growing fatter while training out in the field ah, then i suggest he better pick up his fucking ET and start digging before his buddies bury him alive in the shellscrape for EATING SNAKE!!!

Seriously, outfield is tough. The nutritionists say you need 3350 kcal each day while out in the jungle for a very good reason. You should be getting fitter with that kind of workout, not fatter.

Ok, granted not all vocations require the same amount of physical exertion outfield. Boy boy might be in some shake-leg unit ah, like he just go there and setup the signal antenna then wait for other people to finish chiongsua that kind. If that is the case ah, i suggest that boy boy chose to eat either the green packets or the maggie mee. Not both. And skip the oreo cookies too.

You think boy boy is like goldfish ah, feed too much will die? Feed him anything he also must finish if not buay shiok ah? Come on lah, if boy boy is suppose to be mature enough to kill and die for his country he ought to be able to control his own diet. If boyboy cannot control, (like so many of us,) then he will grow even fatter after he ORD, (just like so many of us too,) especially since Auntie Rosemary's Triple Whammy Kong Bak Bao is so damn fucking nice.

It's about self-discipline and awareness of your own dietary needs, man. Not much to do with how fatty the rations are.

Reason Number 4:
If you have had the privilege of working with our very nice contractors you would throw up blood and (almost) die. Then you ask for your old stuff back. But then boss say money pay already must use the new stuff. Yay. ORD loh.


Conclusion

For the above reasons, I think the whole thing sibeh waste effort and waste money. But Limpeh open minded one. I eat see the new one nice or not first then i tell you guys.

TO FUCK A FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCKER

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