マジ？！

Delivery Health.

In other (possibly related) news, new Ichigo Marshmallow OVA announced.

In yet another piece of (totally unrelated) news, the army is really efficient. Military efficiency is not an oxymoron. But we all know that already, so it’s not really news, is it? I’ve just been given five whole days to say goodbye to my wife, mistress, GF, pokemon, all 6000 HDB flat-mates before I go die for my country or something. How generous of them. Operation Flying Eagle guys got only 24 hours.

They probably figured an old man like me doesn’t have to be coddled like a cute and innocent little 18 year-old. Fair enough. But they really should have at least told me where to turn up for duty. Seriously, there was no mention of my new unit’s address in that cute little computer-generated letter full of typos. Oh well, I’m sure 6.021023% of all taxi drivers on the road will know where XXX-XXXXXX / XXXX XXXXXX CEN is. You can fill in the blanks and guess my new posting if you’re that bored. (Hint: it’s got nothing to do with delivery health. I hope.)

Wherever that place is, I suspect the job description will read something like this:

1) Make coffee and sweep the floor
2) Pick up phone calls and leave them on hold forever
3) Summarise stuff
4) Feed the paper shredder classified waste

(1) I actually kind of enjoy, (2) is torture and (3) might be a pain or quite fun, depending on subject matter. (4) is actually the best of all, I enjoy the shredding noise immensely, though the thing is they might make me take the polygraph lie detector test again. Shouldn’t have to, it’s not a sensitive unit. Still, let’s hope not. Having to go through an intrusive security clearance process just to shred classified pieces of rough paper is quite dumb.

If you want to know how privacy-depriving their background checks are, just imagine the worst possible game of Truth and Dare you’ll ever play in your life, only you can’t choose to do a dare and you’re hooked up to a bloody lie detector. I believe the idea is to dig up all your skeletons in the closet so there’s nothing left for you to be blackmailed into betraying secrets with. Smart, eh? Here’s an idea of the kind of questions they ask, plus what i answered years ago vs. how i would answer now.

Qn: Do you surf gay porn?
19 year-old me: No.
Now me: No. (You didn’t ask about yuri twincest.)

Qn: Have you ever committed a crime and gotten away with it?
19 year-old me: No.
Now me: No. (Actually, several times a day, according to the Temple of Xedo.)

Qn: Do you pay for Delivery Health?
19 year-old me: No.
Now me: No. (But I’m thinking about it.)

Qn: Have you ever received a gift valued at more than $1000 from an acquaintance of the same gender?
19 year-old me: No.
Now me: No. (But I won’t really mind if anyone hands me $1000 this instant. Btw, I just received my GST offset package. All hail the Big Boss!)

Qn: Have you ever been approached by any foreign intelligence agencies?
19 year-old me: No.
Now me: No. (But Rierie visits me in my dreams. I have no idea if she’s working for anyone though.)

Qn: Are you gay?
19 year-old me: No.
Now me: No. (What did you expect?)

As you can see the idea is to pry out your inner GAR. All the questions are yes/no only, and you get to clarify all of them with the interviewer (a lady in my case) beforehand so you wouldn’t be shocked into giving a false positive reading on the detector. In fact, you’re supposed to declare all your deepest darkest secrets to the interviewer before they even hook you up to the machine. Then you answer “No” to everything because most of the questions will be preceded by the phrase “Besides whatever that has already been declared”.

Oh well, it was quite an experience talking dirty to a stranger onee-san, so I’ll have to say it was quite fun, plus I got half a day off to do it. Wouldn’t want to go through it again though.

Unless there’s news that the army has just hired Rierie.