The Legend of Zunderella - Part One

CHAPTER ONE

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a young girl by the name of Zunderella. In case you're wondering how "young", rest assured that she is legal for most of the things we're making her do in this story.

Actually, Zunderella is not her real name. No, she's not Tsundere. People just call her that because she likes squatting on the floor. And how do we know that? Well... since I'm not an omniscient narrator... we don't. To be exact, she is seen to be squatting most of the time. And if we had to hazard a guess as to why, wouldn't "she likes squatting" sound reasonable?

Of course, the posture could also be explained by the fact that she's forced to scrub the floor with a toothbrush all day long by her Evil Stepmother and 3 Evil Older Stepsisters. Either way, since both possibilities are not mutually exclusive, who's to say that Zunderella does not like squatting?

I'm sure we are all familiar with the concept of Evil Stepmothers and Stepsisters because of a certain other fairy tale featuring an Evil Stepmother and 3 Evil Older Stepsisters, so I wouldn't try to bore you by spending too much time on them. People with no idea what I’m talking about, please refer to the entry for “Rella, Cinde” in any encyclopedia.

That said, there is one interesting thing to point out about the 3 Evil Older Stepsisters though. Stepsisters, unlike Half-sisters, share no blood relation. Hence, having 3 OLDER Stepsisters need not involve any time travel, thus debunking the hypothesis that their presence is a Time Paradox that would unravel the very fabric of this story.

By the way, their names are Lili, Lulu and Lala.


CHAPTER TWO

The story begins on a day which is extremely normal, considering fairy tale conventions.

Lala, while flipping through a copy of the tabloid "The Recent Thing That You Write On Or Wrap Things With", squeals excitedly:

"Ooh~!!! Ooh~!! Ball~!!! Ball~!!!"

"What? Is it the one that footballer kicked in VJC? Or the one he shot to the moon in the penalty shootout against Portugal?"

"Oi, Lulu, don't be an idiot," scolded Lili. "Everyone knows "Ball" is a fictional weapon from the anime series Mobile Suit Gundam and also a slang term for testicles and copulation. See... it says so right here at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ball_(disambiguation) ."

For the record, Lili actually pronounced all the %s, _s and /s.

"You're both bloody idiots~!!!!", Lala squealed again. "We've all been invited to take part in this contest where this loser who can't get hitched on his own gets to screw around with a house full of desperate pneumocephalus afflicted girls and the whole world watches~!!!". (Translation: Pneumo = Air, Cephalus = Head)

It should be mentioned at this point that Lala has a history of congenital pneumocephalus and shouldn't be trusted to accurately report whatever's in the paper. She got the main idea though.

The actual announcement goes like this:

"The Prince would be holding a grand Ball, tonight, 8.00pm. All ladies and non-traditional gentlemen invited."

Let's just say the Prince is not too picky about the number of USB ports on his laptop.


CHAPTER THREE

Zunderella, who has been squatting quietly beside her Stepsisters all this time, was curious about this whole ball thing. She hasn't been to a party since her father died in a hit-and-run accident one night many years ago. Eyewitness accounts tell of a Pumpkin Carriage fleeing the scene, but the story has largely been dismissed as fabrication and the culprit remains at large. Interestingly, most psychiatric assessment questionnaires now include the question "How often do you see Pumpkin Carriages?”.

Anyway, as I was saying, Zunderella was curious about this ball thing. She's probably gotten some childish ideas about balls and princes from the story books she has read. Uh, no... She does not watch Prince of Tennis on Kids Central.

Come to think of it, isn't it very possible that at some point in time she might have thought "Wouldn't it be nice if I went to this ball, married the Prince, and lived happily ever after?"?

This childish dream might just be the trigger that drove Zunderella to embark on her epic journey to freedom and ultimate happiness.


CHAPTER FOUR

"NO."

The Evil Stepmother glared.

Let's just call her Tes, short for The Evil Stepmother.

"But why...?"

Zunderella whimpered, as she squat before the towering Tes.

"There are many reasons why, like how if you do show up you'll make Lili, Lulu and Lala look like the fugly cow dung that they are. But the main thing is this - I don't like you. No means no and that's final."

"That's not right."

Zunderella whispered under her breadth.

"Hmm?"

Tes stared menacingly down at our heroine, seemingly determined to extinguish this spark of defiance before it ignites the flames of rebellion.

"You have no right."

Slightly louder this time.

"Huh? Rights you say? Let me tell you this - I might not have the right, but i have all the AUTHORITY. And that's how this world works. Now go help your sisters prepare for the ball before I smack you so hard you remember your real name."

Apparently, Zunderella does not like remembering her real name. The battle lost, she chooses to live and fight another day.

(Chapter notes: Nobody knows how whimpering Zunderella managed to evolve into defiant Zunderella. I, the narrator, am not omniscient and wouldn't know what's going on in her head. One thing I can vouch for is that it's definitely not because the author got lazy and skimped on character development.)

To be continued...