Flu Blow

CHAPTER ONE

The year is 3007 AD.

Mankind has extended its reach into space, establishing countless colonies on planets far far away in a bid to ease the growing strain imposed on Earth's limited resources by people who refuse to acknowledge the usefulness of contraceptives. (I didn't say that's a bad thing, I’m not taking sides here.)

School history lessons teach that Colonialism is a dirty word. It is associated with racism, exploitation, oppression, injustice, discrimination, inequality, cronyism, nepotism, despotism, corruption, etc, etc, etc. To be fair though, quite a few of these terms are simply associated with governments in general.

It therefore comes as no surprise that some space colonies feel just as exploited and oppressed as their terrestrial counterparts from millennia past. Those colonies that have had enough have banded together in open rebellion. This alliance of disgruntled peoples, the Anti Earth Group (AEG - pronounced "egg"), waged war across the galaxy against Earth's forces. One by one, loyalist and cessationist colonies were drawn into the ever-escalating conflict, swinging the momentum of war from one side to the other, neither having victory in sight.

Planet Faerytale is to be the latest hotspot in this far-reaching struggle.

This puny little red dot on the galactic starcharts is richer than its neighbours, occupies a strategic position along several major galactic trade routes and has largely managed to stay out of the conflict, despite the total lack of a credible defence force, by sucking up rather shamelessly to both sides. As all good students of Social Studies should know, that is a stupid thing to do.

So, on a Bright and Sunny Day, Faerytale was simultaneously invaded by Earth and the AEG. Actually the AEG invaded on a Dark and Stormy Night. They managed to do it at the same time by landing in different time zones. And both claimed to be defending the planet from the other.

Thus begins our story against this backdrop of space opera and political drama, which might or might not have anything to do with the story after all.


CHAPTER TWO

Little Red Biking Helmet was on her way to Grandma's little cottage in the woods.

If you're wondering, she's called Little Red Biking Helmet after her favourite piece of headgear. She doesn't really bike, she just wears the helmet.

Grandma is sick and Little Red Biking Helmet is visiting her with a basket of homemade chicken pie. And so as not to waste all the effort put into CHAPTER ONE, they all live on Faerytale.

Don't ask me what kind of parents would send a little girl out into the woods on her own when a war is raging all around them. A 21st century narrator is not exactly the right person to comment on the psychology of 31st century fairy tale characters.

Anyway, as Little Red Biking Helmet skipped along the deserted forest path, she chanced upon a lovely patch of bright yellow gerberas.

"Oh, what lovely flowers! I'm sure Grandma would be delighted to have them."

Squatting on her haunches, she proceeded to pick them.

Just then -

BOOM!!!

Little Red Biking Helmet's world froze before her eyes.
(See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flashbang#Stun_grenades)

"Knn, flashbang..."

A heavy blow knocked her flat on her face, as hurried footsteps broke out all around her. Within seconds, Little Red Biking Helmet was bound and gagged.

When her vision returned, Little Red Biking Helmet found herself surrounded by her masked assailants. Clad in black from head to toe and wielding various firearms, this was a menacing bunch. One of them was rummaging through her basket.

"Fop foffing fy fiffe fy (Stop poking my chicken pie)!!!" bristled Little Red Biking Helmet indignantly.

Now you know why this story is not written in Chinese. (啊… 不要插我的鸡派… 啊…)

"Come quietly if you want to live."

Little Red Biking Helmet nodded profusely.

She obviously doesn't want to die. She wouldn't miss the season finale of Survivor: Alpha Centauri for anything.


CHAPTER THREE

Little Red Biking Helmet trudged grudgingly through the woods alongside her captors. They have abandoned the well-trodden path and are now bashing through the undergrowth.

Disorienting as the endless maze of vegetation might seem, Little Red Biking Helmet's keen sense of direction told her that they were headed straight for Grandma's cottage.

"Oh no... Are they going to get Grandma too?" thought Little Red Biking Helmet.

Just then -

BOOM!!!

Little Red Biking Helmet's world froze before her eyes.

"Wtf... Can't you think of something else besides flashbangs?".

Sorry.

By the way, since when did they ungag you?

Little Red Biking Helmet hit the ground instinctively as automatic gunfire erupted from the undergrowth, filling the air with blood-curdling screams and the sickening stench of blood and gunpowder.

By the time the image of the frozen world faded from her retina, it was all over.

Her captors lay dead, their bodies strewn across the ground like rag dolls.

Three figures clad in combat fatigues stood before her.

Three ladies.

Three gorgeous ladies.

"Hey, Ma'am, these guys're AEGs, no doubt 'bout it."

"Alright. Sergeant, radio HQ that we have secured the target. Code: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Tama, go take a look around."

"O~ky~!"

Little Red Biking Helmet gawked.

"..."

The one they called "Ma'am" turned and gave a reassuring smile. Tossing back her long silver ponytail with a graceful flick of her slender neck, she gently held out a porcelain smooth hand.

"Do not be afraid. We are here to protect you."

Staring into her crystal blue eyes, Little Red Biking Helmet was starting to think boys aren't that interesting after all.

"Who are you...?” she managed a whisper.

"We are the Earth Forces 31st Public Relations Battalion."


CHAPTER FOUR

The 31st Public Relations Battalion (31 PR).

As its name suggests, this is the public relations arm of Earth's armed forces, with the stated mission of creating a positive image and generating goodwill for the Earth Forces. Its methods include charity fundraising shows on TV, high profile humanitarian missions to Tsunami-hit areas, and propagandistic indoctrination (inexplicably abbreviated as NE, must be Latin or something).

If you're wondering whether the 1st to 30th PR battalions exists, the answer is no. I've long given up trying to figure out military naming conventions.

One particular unit within 31 PR deserves a special mention.

Charlie Company Platoon 1, AKA the Angel Squad.

Unlike the rest of 31 PR, which mostly consists of the oily, wily, corporate-type PR guys who are paid genetically engineered gold-plated peanuts; 'C' COY PL 1 is an elite commando unit.

Filled with gorgeous babes.

What for, you ask? Just imagine the positive PR effects of having little kids all over the galaxy read about the daring exploits of the dashing and charming heroines of Angel Squad.

"3 Little Pigs Saved! All Thanks To Angel Squad!"

"Angel Squad and Zunderella Slay Dragon!!!"

"Angel Squad KOs Emerald Weapon!! NO KOTR!!!"

You get the idea.

And it is for this very purpose that 3 members of the elite 31st Public Relations Battalion Charlie Company Platoon 1 have been dispatched to aid Little Red Biking Helmet.

By the way, the Angel Squad has a secondary mission of sorts. Their steamy photo shoots for the army's monthly newsletter do wonders for the morale of millions of teenaged conscripts.


CHAPTER FIVE

"So you're telling me that some eggs are trying to kidnap me because Grandma used to be a researcher for a Top Secret military project and they're after her too for the secrets?"

"That is correct." replied the silver-haired beauty.

This was Lieutenant Claudia Sergeant, Platoon Commander, 31 PR 'C' COY PL1. Level-headed and capable leader. Gentle and nurturing demeanour appeals to homesick NS boys with an oedipal complex. And did I mention she's hot? Official spokesperson for ST Louder Skin-Whitening Camo Cream. If there ever is an anime adaptation of this story her seiyuu will be Tanaka Rie. Sergeant is her surname.

"But you got them, right? So Grandma and I are safe now, right?

"Eh... haha... not exactly, kiddo. We're up against THE infamous Colonel Bigg "Butt" Wolfe. No way he's gonna roll over that easy. Betcha another troop's headed for Grandma's this very instant."

This was Sergeant Machiavelli "Maki" Mem, Platoon Sergeant, 31 PR 'C' COY PL1. Laid-back, relaxed, ba-long-long. Typical Lao Jiao Sergeant. A Big Sis to her fellow Angel Squaddies. Expert at negotiating day-offs. Exceptionally skilled in the field despite appearances. Bronzed complexion, shapely busts and toned body go well with a bikini any day. Her pin-ups are #1 on the bestseller charts for 3006. Her surname is Mem.

"Oh no... Gramps...", whimpered Little Red Biking Helmet. "What shall i do...?".

"There, there... don't cry... See~ here's your basky FUU---LL~ of chicky pie and flowers for Grandma. The chicky pie just told me that Grandma's all~ safe and sound, so don't you worry your little head, ya~?"

"Who the heck's this idiot?"

This idiot was Private Tamagotchi "Tama" Partes, Trooper, 31 PR 'C' COY PL1. Private Partes is an amazing soldier to say the least. Setting the record for most number of BMT re-courses (13), she was downgraded to PES E for congenital pneumocephalus; yet by some miraculous administrative screw-up, found herself in the elite Angel Squad. Her genuine good nature, refreshing innocence and um, "cute", behaviour has convinced the rest of the platoon to keep her around as a pet. Guess everyone has a soft spot for sprightly, bubbly, busty airheads.

"Chances are the AEG already has your grandmother. No harm would come to her as they want her alive," reasoned the Lieutenant, "but she will probably be used as bait to get to you. We will be walking straight into an ambush by rushing to your grandmother right now. What do you think, Sergeant?"

"I say we bash down the front door and kill everyone. More EXP."

...

...

A cicada chirped.

...

...

"Oh~ I know!!” volunteered Tama enthusiastically. "We take one of these thingies~... pull out the ring thingy... like so...then-"

BOOM!!!

Little Red Biking Helmet's world froze before her eyes for the third time today.

"Know what?... I am so damn sick of this flashbang business already."

How about a Claymore mine the next time?

"No thanks."


CHAPTER SIX

Little Red Biking Helmet crept through the undergrowth behind the Angelic Trio.

"Psst... Ma'am."

"Yes?"
"Ya, kiddo?"

"Not you, Sergeant. The other Ma'am."

"Oh."
"Oh."

"Ugh... This is confusing..."

"Hehe~ Why don't you call them Ma'am Claudia and Sarge Maki like i do?"

"Whoa. That's smart for a Tama suggestion. Good Tama! Here's a treat."

"Gee~ Thanks Sarge. (Munch. Munch.) Never knew I had it in me."

"Whatever. Miss Claudia? How exactly are we going to get Grandma out again? Front door's suicide right?"

"We will enter through the back door."

"Oh. That's simple."

"Simple plans work best. Shh- There it is."

"Ok, kiddo, listen up. This is how we'll do it. You take this here, and this, and this... and... These... and this... and run straight at the house."

Little Red Biking Helmet is now equipped with 2 LAW tubes, 2 SAWs, and 2 M203s, firepower equivalent to that of a 21st century infantry section. Not to forget her basketful of gerbera and chicken pie.

"How am I supposed to shoot so many guns at once?"

"You don't. They're not even loaded."

"???"

"Your job's to look dangerous so they'll pop their heads out and shoot you. Then Claudia and I can headshot every single one of them. And Tama's the cheerleader."

"Yay~ Go-o Helmet~!!"

"Aren't you suppose to be PROTECTING me!?!?"

"Ah... don't sweat it. All taken care of. Heroines never die. Unless it's the last chapter."

"!?!?"

"She is right about that one. I have yet to see a protagonist die before the last chapter on all my previous missions."

"See! Even Ma'am says so! Don't you trust her?"

"How do you know I’m the heroine of this story? If you ask me, you three have way more lines than i do."

"We can always confirm that fact with the narrator."

Yes, you ARE the heroine.

"I don't trust that guy."

"How 'bout i prove it by putting a round between your eyes?"

"No thanks. I'm convinced."

"Ahaha~ Go-o Helmet~!!"


CHAPTER SEVEN

Thus commenced the assault that would come to be known as The Battle of Grandma's Cottage.

"YARGGHHH!!!"

Little Red Biking Helmet charged the AEG position.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

TOINK! TOINK! TOINK! TOINK! TOINK! TOINK!

Bullets mysteriously bounced off Little Red Biking Helmet's skin.

See, I didn't lie, did I?

BANG!

"Argh!"

Headshot number One.

BANG!

"Oooh!"

Headshot number Two.

Victory.

Loading Boss Stage.


CHAPTER EIGHT

Storming into Grandma's bedroom, the foursome was confronted with the serene sight of Grandma snoring away on her bed.

"That's actually Colonel Bigg "Butt" Wolfe, right?” said Little Red Biking Helmet.

Don't give away spoilers like that!

"That's the freaking problem with you adults. I mean... come on! Give me some credit, man! You expect me to fall for that? No way I’m going through with that "Ooh, what big eyes you have!" routine. No way."

This is a crucial scene. A Classic. How can we call this a parody if we leave it out?

"Not my pasar."

Pretty please? =)

"No."

Your fans NEED you!!

"Oh, alright... if you put it that way. Erhem... eh... Ok. Grandma. What big eyes you have.” deadpanned Little Red Biking Helmet.

"All the better to see you with my dear.” replied a gruff-sounding Grandma who had grown an Adam's apple.

"(Psst! What's the next line? Oh yeah...) O-Ooh, Grandma! What big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear you with my dear."

"(Huh? Make something up myself?) Er... er... Ah! What a big gun you have, Grandma!"

"It gets bigger if you cock it. Wanna have a go?"

"Haha... No thanks. By the way, Grandma, try these gerbera flavoured chicken pie."

"Why, thank you! Munch, Munch, Munch. Ok, show's over. Girl, you're coming with me."

COL Bigg "Butt" Wolfe leveled a pistol at Little Red Biking Helmet's head.

"Heh."

"What's so funny?"

Blood was exudating from every imaginable orifice on Bigg "Butt" Wolfe's body.

"What the hell... ugh...” gasped Bigg "Butt" Wolfe, coughing up fresh crimson blood.

"Well, i did warn you. There are flowers in that pie, right?"

"So?... ugh..."

"Gerbera is a natural source of Coumarin..."

"Huh...?

"...which is a metabolic precursor of 7-hydroxycoumarin..."

"Yes...?"

"...which is..."

"Go on..."

"...an Anticoagulant."

"No..."

"Yes."

"Urghhh...."

*Drops Dead*

"V."

Actually we've taken some artistic license with regards to the effect of coumarin. The bleeding won't be as swift or dramatic in real life.

Meanwhile, the Angel Squad, which had been totally sidelined for the whole of this chapter, was just staring from the sidelines. This is why they were “sidelined”. Haha.

"Whoa... Kids these days...” groaned Sergeant Machiavelli Mem. "I'm getting my tubes tied the moment we get home."


CHAPTER NINE

"Grandma's probably locked in the closet, so all we've got to do is open it up and we're out of here. Right?" asked Little Red Biking Helmet.

"That would be correct." replied Captain Claudia Sergeant. (Field promotion after Level UP.)

"Say... Miss Claudia? What research was Grandma into anyway? And how come they're after me too?"

"I am sorry, but that is classified information."

"Wait~! I know~! Granny was working on genetic enhancement of Super Soldiers, and-"

"Stop right there, Private Partes!"
"No, Tama! Bad, Tama!"

“-there were many failed products, but-”

"Enough!"
"Shut up!"

"-the only successful specimen is Little Red Biking Helmet here."

"TAMA!!!!"
"TAMA!!!!"

"Huh~? Whadyaido~?"

...

...

...

BOOM!!!

Little Red Biking Helmet's world fro-

Wait…

Nope.

It's not a flashbang this time.

A giant concussive force floored the Angel Squad, as a blinding aura enveloped the room.

I've run out of flowery verbs and adjectives for the following part so I’ll just state the bare facts.

The shocking revelation of her genetic origins destabilized Little Red Biking Helmet's mind and unleashed her immense potential in one colossal, cosmic, cataclysmic burst of energy.

Simply put, she went Super Saiyan.


CHAPTER TEN

"The war-making potential of a small, vigorous, well-educated and highly motivated population should never be underestimated." - Goh Keng Swee.

I have no idea why i quoted this guy.

The year is 3017.

After 10 long years of suffering under the Earth and AEG, the citizens of Faerytale finally realized the error of their ways. United as One, they overthrew the oppressors. Despite the heavy loss of lives, they were a jubilant people, for they were Free.

LELONG!!!!!

Sorry, couldn’t resist. I’ve always wanted to do that, a la Mel Gibson in Braveheart. For all our non-Singlish speaking readers, "Lelong" means Freedom.

War rages on in the galaxy, but Peace has finally arrived for the people of Faerytale.

It seems this back-story has got nothing to do with our fairy tale after all.

The events of the anti-climatic Battle of Grandma's Cottage were but an insignificant blip in galactic history. Coupled with the immense explosion of psychic energy which wiped out all evidence of the battle, it is safe to assume that the true events which transpired that day are known only to our heroic foursome. Even the author has no idea.

The fate of our heroines remains a mystery to this day.

This means I can resurrect them for a sequel anytime.

On a side note, the Earth Forces 31st Public Relations Battalion faces an inquiry over alleged accounting irregularities. A platoon of heroic whistleblowers (and their pet homosapien) has revealed that more than 95% of public donations to charities championed by 31 PR were channeled towards the acquisition of genetically engineered gold-plated peanuts.

In other news, a certain Ms Petit Casque Rouge was awarded a Nobel Prize in Medicine for her work on gerbera flavoured chicken pie which has contributed immensely to preventing Deep Vein Thrombosis on long haul interplanetary voyages.

Congratulations.

THE END