A lone cloaked figure rode into town.
Actually, she was squatting on the horse rather than sitting astride it like you would normally expect someone to do.
And, yes, as I have accidentally given away in the previous line, it’s a lady.
Who squats.
Yay.
Congratulations to those who have figured it out already.
The (now not so) mysterious person dismounted before the grandest building in the bustling town of Eropagnis.
“The Temple of Zedu.”, she whistled under her breath. “Posh place…”
Dusting off her cloak, she approached the colossal iron-barred gates and was promptly challenged by a burly guard.
“Halt! Who goes there?!”
“Maria von Hamburger.” came the reply, cool as ice.
The name must have meant something, for the man snapped to attention with a crisp salute.
“Apologies, My Lady. This way please.”
Maria “Zunderella” von Hamburger, Itinerant Adventurer and Defender of Justice (some would interpret this job description as “Homeless, Unemployed and Kaypoh”), Level 56, stepped through the gateway and disappeared behind the walls of the temple fortress.
CHAPTER TWO
“Ah, Lady Zunderella! (The “Lady” business is because she is currently the Step-Daughter, Step-Sister-in-Law, and Ex-Lover of the King of some kingdom far far away. That makes her officially a Step-Ex-Royal-Thing, which warrants a title of nobility. See: The Legend of Zunderella. ) We’ve been expecting you. Welcome to our humble temple.”
“Well, I hope you weren’t expecting me as long as my mother did.” deadpanned Zunderella as she eyed the man before her.
Cardinal Sing was a rotund, jolly-looking fellow. Decked out in the flamboyant regalia of a Priest of Zedu, he looked every bit the elderly NPC priest/hermit/sage/mentor whose sole purpose in life is to point the protagonist to her next quest.
“Hahaha! What a unique sense of humour you have. Ah! Have a seat. Oh, right! How can I forget? You are more comfortable squatting! Age must be catching up with me. Haha… Pardon my inhospitality… but I believe we must get down to business immediately. The matter at hand is rather urgent.”
“Suits me.”
“There has been… a spate of thefts from our temple recently.”
“Uh-huh…”
“Someone has been stealing…” Cardinal Sing lowered his voice to a conspiratory whisper. “The Water.”
“Someone has been stealing water? From you?”
“Yes.”
“I got dragged halfway across the continent to catch a water thief? Did I make a wrong turn somewhere and end up on Arrakis or something?
“No.”
“Am I on Candid Crystal Ball?”
“No.” replied the Cardinal, exhaling deeply. “I think you misunderstand, My Lady. The Water which I speak of is special water; holy water. It is Water from the Fountain of Airnemea, holiest of sites for followers of Great Zedu.”
“Wow. So?”
“It’s a panacea! It cures more ailments than the legendary King-to Nin Jiom Pei Pa Koa (京都念奄川貝枇杷膏) TM!”
“That’s it? Ok, I’ll take your word for it. But with a whole fountain of the stuff sitting somewhere what’s the big fuss with someone stealing a bottle or two. Zedu’s a charitable sort of deity, right?”
“You couldn’t be more mistaken, My Lady. Infinite Zedu’s Compassion may be, He is also a god of Justice. Evil, be it murder or theft, will never be tolerated! Signs and portents abound, and I fear we have already incurred Zedu’s Wrath. In my dreams… I have been shown visions of Impending Doom!”
“Went to sleep on a full belly, eh? Haha… ha… Sorry… So what exactly did you see in those, uh, visions? Pumpkin Carriages? *Guffaws* Hahaha… Sorry…”
“The Fountain of Airnemea will cease to flow if we do nothing to stop these nefarious thieves!!!” hissed the priest indignantly.
“Well, there’s always Pei Pa Koa to fall back on isn’t there? *Guffaws*”
“With all due respect, My Lady, I do not think this is a laughing matter.”
Zunderella was going asthmatic. “Ha… ha… *cough* Erhem. ‘Kay, ‘kay, I get your point. I’ll look into this, alright? No need to get your feathers all ruffled.”
“You have my thanks.” replied the Cardinal, rather grudgingly, as Zunderella turned to leave.
“Hey,” called Zunderella over her shoulder. “Mind pointing the way to the hottest pub in town?
CHAPTER THREE
Zunderella was squatting on a bar stool at the infamous Nuh-Enclave, hottest pub in town.
By the way, if you haven’t noticed already, Zunderella is no longer the shy, awkward, lonely girl squatting in a corner at the Prince’s Ball. It has been years since our first meeting with wimpy Zunderella, and she has since matured into a confident, radiant, coquettish, ravishing beauty. It is a pity that she hasn’t quite outgrown the squatting.
Well, with her perched on that high stool, guys who are dead drunk would find it difficult to tell if she’s squatting unless they, like, lift her skirt, but then they’d be just dead.
So no surprise that she got hit on all night.
“Hey babe, can I buy you something?”
“Sure.”
You can now proceed to imagine Zunderella flirting with some random guy who’s out to get some ass. I won’t be narrating it.
Anyway, Zunderella gets the random guy drunk and into a good mood then tries to skewer some information (and more free drinks) out of him.
“Say… how about you show me around town? I love this town. Eropagnis. Don’t you just love the sound of that? There’s so much culture around you can feel the spores in the air! And I’ve always wanted to visit the Fountain of Airnemea. So much culture there. How exciting! Won’t you take me? *Wink*”
“That place’s got nothing.” the guy slurred. “Anyway it’s off limits. No go. Those old bas*hic*tards at the temple won’t let anyone near it.”
“Oh no! What shall I do? *Sob*…”I was so looking forward to having my very own bottle of Airnemea. *Boohoo*…
“Bah. That horse pee sells for $29.90 per bottle. Everywhere! And no one wants any. Ha! Tax this, donate that, all my money’s going to those old fu*hic*ckers anyway. I’ll buy you as many as you like!”
“Really?*Puppy Dog Eyes*”
“Of course. Never lied to a lady me whole life. Now, shall we adjourn to somewhere more… comfor*hic* table?”
“Whatever you say…”
They checked into a motel… and played Scra*hic*bble the whole night.
CHAPTER FOUR
The next morning.
“Argh… my head…” groaned Zunderella.
Our heroine is now squatting outside the neighbourhood drugstore, nursing a giant hangover.
“Hello! Anyone there?” *knock knock*
Creak.
The door opened.
“Good morning. Never expected a customer this early. How can I help you?”
The proprietor of the store is this nondescript middle-aged fellow like most other NPC shopkeepers.
“What have you got for a hangover?” asked Zunderella.
“Oh, I’m so sorry; we’re all out of hangover remedies. But if you manage to find and return my lost kitten, I might be able to dig up some left over stock hidden at the back of the drawer.”
“Screw it, I’ve no time for sidequests now.”
“In that case, how about some Airnemea Fountain Water?”
“Ah, the panacea. Why didn’t you say so earlier? Hand it over.”
“Uh, Miss, you’re not local, are you?”
“Hmm? Enlighten me.”
“Well… while it’s true that the Water treats most common ailments like sore throats, dry skin, hangovers, etc, there are, uh, side effects.”
“Ha! What’s new? All drugs can kill at the right dose.”
“Umm… The Water doesn’t kill… it makes you look, uh, grainy.”
“Grainy?
“If you apply it to the skin. Doctors use the word “Pixilated”. And prolonged use is a risk factor for this rare medical condition called “Skewed Aspect Ratio”. Means you get stretched; or squashed. But “Cropping” is by far the worst. Parts of you just disappear.”
“Uh-huh… And if I drink it?”
“Then you’ll speak funny for a while. But the hangover will go away instantly.”
“Do people actually use this stuff then?”
“To be honest… No.”
…
…
…
“I’ll try one.”
“Thank you, here you go. That’ll be $29.90 please.” *cha-ching*
Zunderella popped open the cheap-looking silver-trimmed bottle.
It looks… Like water.
It smells… Like water.
It tastes…
*glug* *glug* *glug*
…Like water.
“Nothing’s happening…” Zunderella muttered. “Wait… ooh… I feel my head clearing up already. Hey… this is good stu- ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!”
“Well, Miss, I did warn you, didn’t I?”
“THE YELLOW CAR IS THE RACE CAR OF THE BIG TREE!!!!”
Yes, I know this particularly brilliant piece of work has got nothing to do with them. But no one will get the joke if I link it to Poh Kim, right?
“Haha… The Water has allowed you to receive and translate signals from the godly plane. In any translation work, there are slightly different ways to say the same thing and, according to the Priests of Zedu who are producing this stuff, the Water’s formula has been enhanced to provide the most accurate translations possible. Oh, and they have gone the extra mile and included a curse-filter so as not to cause any discomfort to the various religious and racial groups in Eropagnis.”
“FU*HIC*CK THE CERTAIN PRICE OF GOODS!!!”
“See what I mean? Curse filter in action! Haha… Here’s some advice, Miss: It’s just a perception problem. Shut up for the next few hours and you’ll be fine.”
“FOR GREAT JUSTICE!!!”
CHAPTER FIVE
Being effectively mute isn’t all that bad, really.
At least it gave Zunderella time to think.
Holed up in the temple’s guest quarters, Zunderella was pushing her brains into overdrive.
“What the hell does the thief want with this shit anyway?” she mused. “Wouldn’t be able to give it away for free, much less make a profit.”
She’s speaking to herself in her head, so it’s all normal. By the way, the non-omniscient narrator in Legend of Zunderella got sacked. We’re not the same person.
She started scribbling on a memo.
Possible uses for Shit Water:
1) Demon summoning catalyst
2) Recreational drug use
3) Sabotaging opponents on Eropagnis Idol
4) Subtitling
5) Inspiration for stand-up comedy act
6) God Radio
“Argh!!!” growled Zunderella, pulling her hair out. “This is dumb. I’m going nowhere!”
She flipped the memo over, and wrote.
Reasons for screwing Temple / Fountain / Cardinal Sing:
1) Eliminate public health risk
2) Don’t like your face
3) Kena double-6ed
4) Religious/Political conflict
5) Luke, I am your father. (yeah right)
6) *Feud*
Wait a second.
She might be on to something.
“ME NAKED!!!”
CHAPTER SIX
“Do you have any enemies? Can you think of anyone who might want to undermine the temple? Is there anyone who stands to benefit if the Fountain dries up? Have you offended anyone?”
Zunderella’s voice has kind of recovered on the journey from her room to Cardinal Sing’s office. It’s a big temple.
“Well, I sincerely believe we have not offended anyone, My Lady. I mean, we humble followers of Great Zedu are merely faithfully discharging the Holy Duty which has been bestowed upon us.”
“Ok… What I’m trying to ask is whether you’ve humbly stepped on any toes while faithfully discharging your holy duties.”
“The Priests of Zedu are modest men working for the good of – “
“Come on…Help me help you.”
Cardinal Sing was silent for a moment.
“In recent years…”
“Yes…?” probed Zunderella, diligently scribbling it down.
“We had some, uh, differences in perception with the Pixies of Itherna Forest.”
“Pixies… Ither… na… Forest… Oh, please go on…”
“I was afraid to raise this before, you know, so as not to colour your judgment. I sincerely believe they are not the culprits, they are jolly good folks. But, uh, not to sound accusatory… but… they are the only people whom we’ve ever had any disagreements with.”
He forgot about The Great Crusade against the Xameulbians 600 years ago. And all the other wars fought in Zedu’s name before and after that. But it’s alright, since it’s not going to affect the plot.
“So what exactly did you perceive differently?”
“It’s… the Water. They had issues with the, uh, quality.”
“Oh, like, for instance, how it makes you speak funny? And like how the cheap bottle thing with silver trimming is ugly packaging?”
“Er…Something like that.”
“I see.”
“But My Lady, in any translation work, there are slightly different ways to say the same thing and we have enhanced the Water’s formula-“
“-To provide the most accurate translations possible. Yes, and I know you have gone the extra mile to include a curse-filter so as not to cause any discomfort to the various religious and racial groups in Eropagnis. I’ve heard the whole spiel.”
“Ah! I am glad to hear that. In that case, My Lady, you should be able to understand where we are coming from. The Pixies have been rather stubborn in this regard. They have not purchased a single bottle since the disagreement boiled over. Speaking of which, I’ve been rather worried for them, actually…”
“Why?”
“The Pixies are rather… dependent on the Water.”
“Dependent?”
“Rumours say they cannot live without it.”
“Right… Thank you for your time, Cardinal Sing. I’ll keep you informed of any progress.”
“My Lady?
“Yes?”
“Umm… You do find the silver trimming attractive, don’t you?”
…
…
…
“Ya, I do.” replied Zunderella. *Grins from ear to ear*
CHAPTER SEVEN
Itherna Forest, right outside the town gates of Eropagnis.
Zunderella was waddling along the forest trail.
“Mr. Cardinal sure made my job an easy one.” mumbled Zunderella to herself. “Can’t live without the water? So finding them alive is evidence of theft, isn’t it? If you’re so sure go catch them yourself, bloody old fucker. Trying to manipulate me by insinuating this and that? Treat me like a kid? God damn spoiler, ya? Now there’s no more fun in this detective business. Tell you what… I’ll make this fun by proving their innocence… grrrh… &^%$...”
If you didn’t manage to catch that chunk of monologue, it’s just Zunderella ranting like a drunken blogger who’s been double-sixed. Anyway, she was so fuming mad that she hadn’t noticed a tiny figure was following her, flitting from tree to tree just a few feet behind.
“Erm… Excuse me?”
Zunderella spun around.
“WHAT!!! Oops… I mean, hello- Wait a sec… Who’s there?!”
“Over here…” said a tiny voice.
Zunderella’s eyes focused on a winged… thingy hovering in front of her.
“AH!” cried Zunderella in surprise. She jabbed a finger at the entity. “Tinkerbelle! From Peter Pan!”
“Oh no, no...” the pixie shook her head daintily. “Belle’s my cousin. I’m Twinkle. They all say we look alike though.” she added bashfully. “Um… are you Miss Zunderella?”
“Maria von Hamburger, Itinerant Adventurer and Defender of Justice, Level 56?”
The pixie nodded.
“That’s me.”
“Really?!” the Twinkle’s eyes twinkled with delight. “OHMYGODOHMYGOD CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH PLEASE?! I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!”
Thus concludes the story of how Zunderella met her biggest fan.
THE END
Just kidding.
Twinkle, being the innocent (I don’t mean it as in “not guilty”; I meant all the other meanings like “inexperienced with the unpleasant aspects of life” and “sexually naïve”. Don’t read too much into one word.), impressionable, heroine-worshipping young pixie that she is, guilelessly invited Zunderella to the Pixie Village. It’s so useful to be famous sometimes.
“Everyone! Look who I brought?”
“Hey! It’s Zunderella!”
Everyone from Baby Winky to ancient Great-Great-Great-Gramps showed up to welcome our heroine. A grand picnic was held at the Big Tree Stump in her honour.
After many rounds of Pixie Beer and strip charades, Zunderella thought she had them in the right mood to answer some questions.
“Say…” began Zunderella innocuously, “Is there any of that water here? Water from that whatsitsname, ah Airnemea Foun-”
The merrymaking died away as an uncomfortable silence set in.
Oops.
The village chief, with his pants still around his ankles, spoke.
“Those Zedu buggers sent you, didn’t they? What’d they want this time?”
“No, no, no… I’m here to like… mediate. No one’s accusing you of stealing water or anything-”
“We stole nothing! And we want nothing from them! Good day to you. Twinkle! See our guest out!”
And Zunderella got thrown out.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“I’m so sorry things turned out this way. *sob*” Twinkle, barely holding back her tears, was sitting on Zunderella’s shoulder. “Everyone’s just so angry with the temple, they refuse to listen anymore.”
“Can you tell me what happened between the temple and you guys?”
“It all started a few years ago, when the temple stopped people from going to the Fountain. They said it’s because the magical fluctuations there have suddenly worsened and the raw water’s no longer safe.
Then they announced that they have found a way to purify the water and make it safe. We believed them and began to buy the water. But the purified water was awful! I mean, we could taste stale water from 5 summers ago. (Pixie taste buds have a temporal dimension to them.)
When we tried telling them they’re doing it all wrong, they wouldn’t listen. Perception problem, they said. Then one day, the elders had a big fall out with the priests and we stopped buying. Now, everyone’s too angry to even talk to each other.”
“Is it true that you cannot live without the water?”
“Yes… and no. We only need the water to recharge our magic for flying and stuff. But no self respecting pixie would even think of being grounded. Flight is a matter of pride for us Pixies. I’d rather die if I couldn’t fly. 飛べない翼は、意味があるんでしょうか?”
“I see. How have you been coping then?”
“We used to import from Aruwan and Arutuu (distant lands famed for high quality magical spring water), but they’re so expensive. No guarantees the shipment will get here in one piece too. But we’ve found a new source though.”
“New source?”
“The adults will all go on a trip to get the water.”
“Where to?”
“I’ve no idea actually. They wouldn’t take me- OHMYGOD. Water’s been stolen from the fountain, right? This is sooo bad. OHMYGODOHMYGOD.”
“Calm down… Let’s not jump to conclusions.”
“Miss Zunderella, you’ll save them if anything happens, right? Right?”
“We don’t know anything yet but I’ll do my best to get to the bottom of this. Worse comes to worst, I’ll intercede on their behalf, alright? No worries.”
“本当に本当に本当？”
“Count on me.”
CHAPTER NINE
“A stakeout is out of the question!” exclaimed Cardinal Sing. “It’s too dangerous!”
“Why? Worried I’ll drown or something?”
Zunderella was back in the temple, squatting in the middle of the cardinal’s office.
“No! The raw magic at the source is much too dangerous. I cannot let you put your life at risk, My Lady.”
“And you guys are risking your lives to bring us fresh Airnemea Fountain Water at $29.90 a bottle! I’d be a coward if I didn’t even try. Come on… you know how important reputation is to a hero. Cheaper shop prices, 100% completion perfect ending that kind of stuff.”
“We have higher Magic Resistance stats to protect ourselves.”
“But my Luck’s maxed out.”
“No matter what, I still maintain that the best course of action is to confront the Pixies with evidence and seize the water for investigation.”
“What evidence?! We’ve got nothing on them!”
“We lost water and they found some.”
“Are you saying this for real? That’s all circumstantial. It proves nothing.”
“We’ll find out once our alchemists examine the water. Why can’t you see the good sense in the straightforward approach?”
“Because it’s draconian and unethical? (Actually, it’s because Zunderella’s life is set on INSANELY HARD MODE, thus Fate has decreed that she’s not allowed to take any shortcuts. Players with less demanding moral standards are on EASY.) Fine. If you want to do it your way, count me out. And they’d better be guilty or you’ll be hearing from me.”
Cardinal Sing fell silent.
Maybe this argument is proving too much for his pre-generated NPC script?
He finally spoke after some time. Not long enough a period of time to bore anyone, but definitely long enough for the significance of Zunderella’s declaration to permeate the room and sink two inches into the woodwork.
“I now understand My Lady’s determination to see that justice is dispensed in an irreproachable manner.” He heaved a sigh of defeat. “But at least take my elite guards with you for protection.”
“What?! Who’s heard of a whole freaking battalion going on a stake out? You’ll scare the mosquitoes away even. No, I’ll go alone.”
“But-“
“No Buts. My way or the highway.”
“Sigh…Understood. But please do take extreme care not to touch the Fountain’s water. And I can only allow you 3 days. It is for your safety, I hope you understand.”
“Fine.”
CHAPTER TEN
Deep under the Temple of Zedu, was a giant cavern.
And in this cavern was the Fountain.
A washbasin like thingy atop a small pedestal with water sprouting out, the Fountain wasn’t quite as impressive as Zunderella had imagined.
And if you’re wondering how they managed to find out that someone has been stealing water from what is essentially a water cooler, I entreat you to exercise some suspension of disbelief. Relax… it’s just a story.
Zunderella has been squatting here for the past 2 days.
Time is running out for her to catch the thief in the act. But if I were her, I’d be more worried about getting killed by magical radiation.
“Wha… damn sleepy…” Zunderella yawned.
So is this Narrator.
You know, it’s now 4am in the morning and I’m still here telling this story.
It might have taken you less than 10 minutes to reach this point in the story but it has taken this Narrator four whole days to follow Zunderella’s every move from when she first arrived in town, to when she got to the temple, then to the pub, then to the motel, the pharmacy, then back to the temple again, then off we go to the forest, get kicked out, back to the temple, and then it’s two whole days squatting in this irradiated shit hole.
I wanna sleep.
Wake me up if something interesting happens.
Zzzz…
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“Psst… oi… Wake up.”
Wha…?
OH SHIT.
Something interesting is happening.
Zunderella was squatting stealthily behind a conveniently situated stalagmite (so sleepy I forgot to mention it was a limestone cavern. My bad.), peering out cautiously.
Hovering over the Fountain was a ball of light the size of a mangosteen.
Gradually, it grew larger… and larger…
Zunderella stared hard at the mysterious light.
Some sort of, doorway was forming.
With all the hinges and a proper knob.
Click.
It opened.
Out fell three people(?).
“Owie~ Hey! Sarge! Ma’am! What is this place…? Where’d Little Helmet go?”
“Shit! It’s all your fault! Bad girl!”
“Quiet! Now is not the time for that. Sergeant, find out where we are. Tama, radio HQ.”
“The hell is this place… some fucking big hole underground?”
“Thank you very much, Sergeant. That was extremely informative.”
“Oh no~ No one’s picking up…”
“Grrr… I’m so fucking pissed my throats all dry… lemme get a drink-”
“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, THIEVES!!!”
Zunderella leapt out from her hiding place, brandishing her trusty toothbrush.
The stunned trio reached simultaneously for the staves slung about their shoulders.
Then all hell broke lose.
Blazing flames and roaring thunder erupted from the tips of those strange metallic sticks, totally taking Zunderella by surprise.
Faced with the overwhelming firestorm, Zunderella’s instincts took over. Ducking and rolling with amazing agility, she weaved among the stony columns, evading her assailants’ first volley.
“Damn that squatting bitch! Where’d she go?!”
“1 o’clock! Fire!!”
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Zunderella sought cover behind a limestone pillar.
“Move!!”
“Yo!”
“’Kay~!”
Two of her foes peeled off to the flanks, weaving a deadly net of fire and brimstone which had Zunderella completely trapped.
“Shit!” cursed Zunderella. Pinned down, she was a squatting duck.
Times like these are when you’re glad you pumped your Luck stat.
“Oh dear~! Ah~! IA! IA!”
CHANCE!
Exploiting the fleeting gap, Zunderella exploded into a powerful sprint up the pillar’s vertical surface. Launching herself off at the top with a momentous leap, she executed a Perfect Backflip any Integrated Data Entity Humanoid Interface would be proud of, and aimed a swift lancing strike at her unlucky adversary.
The point of her toothbrush buried itself within her target’s head, right between the eyes.
Critical Hit!!!
“Owie~!! You big meanie~!”
Everyone, if you ever find yourself in a battle for life-and-death, please bear in mind that toothbrushes are non-lethal weapons. (The toothbrush appeared to have pierced the target because it’s one of those Oral-B things with flexible heads that give way on impact.)
“Get away from my pet, BITCH!!!”
Zunderella parried the crushing right hook with a deft flick of her toothbrush.
“HYAA!!”
This silver-haired attacker’s roundhouse barely missed her temple as she skillfully darted away.
“Take that~ You Meanie!”
This one isn’t really worth the effort to evade.
Zunderella dodged and blocked as the trio ganged up on her in a swirling melee.
BAM!
“Ooph!!”
An elbow caught Zunderella right across the mouth and knocked loose a few teeth. She returned the favour with an uppercut that rattled her opponent’s skull.
The moment blood was drawn, all pretence of chivalry and fair-fighting was scattered to the winds. Biting, scratching, headbutting, eye-gouging, fish-hooking, groin-kicking, and hair-yanking were the order of the day.
This stylo-milo battle had degenerated into an ugly brawl.
Zunderella clawed and bit like a woman possessed, giving as good as she got despite the numbers. Sadly, three-to-one odds are too much even for our heroine, and her adversaries eventually had her in a guillotine choke.
A knee straight to the ovaries completed the rout.
Zunderella slumped to the ground in defeat.
*Spit* “Finish the bitch!!”
“Aye, Ma’am! My pleasure…”
Is this the end of our heroine?
Will Zunderella finally meet her demise at the hands of the mysterious trio?
Has the author finally decided to give up and go catch some sleep?
“Hasta la vista, BITCH.”
THE END
CHAPTER TWELVE
Fooled ya again, didn’t I? Ok, back to where we left off.
“Hasta la vista, BITCH.”
Zunderella shut her eyes tight and prayed hard. To everygod and anygod, Zedu included. She’s a free-thinker. Contrary to popular belief, free-thinking is not the lack of belief. Rather, it is the freedom to believe.
Time froze over for Zunderella.
That moment between impending and certain death seemed like eternity.
One thousand… Two thousand…
Zunderella opened her eyes a tincy-wincy bit and peeped out.
Oh my gods, she gasped.
Her enemies stood frozen like statues.
Time had really sto-
“You mouth open big big there for what?”
Zunderella spun around to face the speaker.
Before her eyes was
“God-Sis!”
“Hey, ah-girl. Long time no see!”
Fairy Pretty Jie Jie, a.k.a. Zunderella’s Fairy Godsister, makes her cameo appearance.
“Ah-girl ah, why you here? No one tell me you’ll be here one leh.”
“Huh? You mean you’re not here to save me from them?”
“No, I was told to come save these three from some rabid bitch … ah… haha… paiseh, paiseh…”
“Why are you helping them?!”
“They my Godsister also mah.”
“You’ve got that many?”
“Aburden? 老娘行走江湖多年，四海皆兄弟。” (Subtitles: “If no past? Old mother can walk in glue more year, Dead Sea Street brothers.”)
“But they’re thieves!”
“Thief? Your head lah. Those three don’t even know where they are. Si beh jia lat lor… can horlan to another dimension some more. Got teleported here by some xiao zha bo, apparently. Wah piang eh… Send them back already still got to gau tim that si gin nah. Xiao liao lah this time.”
“Huh… I see. Ok… Good luck, then.”
“Ok, I zao first. Bye bye.”
The fairy disappeared in a flash of light together with the three human(?) statues.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Saved by a miraculous plot contrivance known as the Deus ex Machina, Zunderella is now all alone in the cavernous cavern.
Of course, I’m there too, but as usual, that’s totally taken for granted. I should start a lobby for Narrator Appreciation Day.
*Pooi!*
Zunderella spat out a mouthful of blood, saliva, two incisors and half a canine.
“Floody fit…” (Bloody shit…)
Logically she should have spat that shit out before engaging in that chit-chat with the Fairy Godsister, but I guess she’s so surprised by the fortuitous turn of events that she forgot.
Or she’s too polite to spit in front of others.
Anyway, she cupped a handful of water to rinse her bloody mouth.
From the fountain.
OH SHIT!
*Pooi!* *Pooi!* *Pooi!* *Pooi!* *Pooi!*
Zunderella cursed her own stupidity.
What a way to die, accidentally gargling your mouth with lethal mystical water after surviving an epic battle with a trio of transdimensional Amazon warriors.
She didn’t bother praying this time.
Even with a Luck stat of 255, miracles don’t happen twice in a row. Unless you exploit the Uguu Loophole. Then you can not only heal fatal stab wounds and terminal illnesses, but also resurrect dead 狐狸精s and people pancaked by SUVs. All these, for the price of one Taiyaki, in 3 easy installments. Call now! While stocks last!
Resigned to her cruel fate… she waited.
As the saying goes, good things come to those who wait.
And what came was every dentist’s nightmare.
GROW!
That’s the sound of teeth growing when played in fast forward. Really.
Zunderella is now the proud owner of two and a half pearly white teeth! Of course she’d have to get the rest bleached to match the sparkling new ones, but that’s later. A much more pressing issue is at hand.
“Erhem… Testing, Testing, One, Two, Three…
Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku, Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju, Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan, Raja kita, selamat bertakhta.Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan, Raja kita, selamat bertakhta…”
The most beautiful rendition of Negaraku ever heard in the Multiverse reverberated round the cavern.
She followed that up with a pitch perfect virtuoso performance of 恋のツンデレ伝説, which eventually made its way into the PCC English Dictionary (as the definition of “oxymoron”).
“WTF!! This raw stuff is great!! It’s nothing like that shit out there on the streets!!”
Questions were racing around in Zunderella’s mind faster than a soggy Kong Guan cracker at the Turf Club.
Mr. Sing is definitely not telling the entire truth here.
But let’s get out of here first.
Zunderella headed for the exit.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Zunderella was staring at a hole high up in the cavern’s roof.
She had climbed down from that hole on a rope ladder just about 3 days ago.
The thing is there’s no ladder in sight right now.
“Hey! Anybody there!”
Obviously, no one is going to be there.
As you have probably guessed, someone is trying to starve Zunderella to death in order to prevent his selective representation of the truth from being broadcast to the public.
Enter Deus ex Machina, Part Deux.
“Miss Zunderella!”
“Twinkle! What’re you doing here?!”
Zunderella sure has a talent for asking the obvious. By just looking, I could tell that Twinkle is here to supply her with rope with which to climb out and to inform her that Cardinal Sing’s Elite Temple Guards (read: gang of thugs) are on their way to attack the village.
“We have to hurry!” begged Twinkle.
“Right!” agreed Zunderella. “Let’s take a shortcut!”
Remember I said something about Zunderella’s life being on INSANELY HARD MODE and how Fate doesn’t allow her to take shortcuts? Well… Fate is Blind. 8th SAF Core Value, guys.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Zunderella and Twinkle managed to leapfrog the Temple Guys and arrive at the Pixie village before them. Please purchase the Official Strategy Guide if you wish to find out exactly how.
“Chief, you’ve got to come clean with me now.” said Zunderella to the unreceptive village chief. “I’ve got evidence of the Temple’s wrongdoing but I won’t be able to defend you if you don’t tell me where you’ve been getting the water from!”
“Shut up! Enough of your tricks! You’re one of their dogs!”
“No! It’s not like that! I saw it with my own eyes! Those evil priests tried to kill Miss Zunderella!” vouched Twinkle.
“Please work with me here, Chief.” pleaded Zunderella. “We can right this wrong if only you’ll tell me the truth!”
“No.”
“I WANT THE TRUTH, SIR!!!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!”
“One portrait of Snow White.”
“Clothes or without?”
“Socks and garters.”
“Deal.”
The anti-climatic revelation goes like this:
The pixies have not taken anything from the fountain. Those trips mentioned by Twinkle are to the mystical Blazing Torrent (BT) relic deep within the Forest of Itherna. The BT was used to conjure and replicate vials of holy water from another dimension.
And I think you can safely assume that the theft is all just a ruse to fuck the Pixies inside out and Zunderella was roped in to lend some respectability to the whole operation with her heroic reputation
There, mystery solved.
And good timing too, ‘cause here comes Cardinal Sing.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Imagine 10,000 Uruk-Hai drawn up for battle at the gates of Helmsdeep.
Now divide the awesomeness by a hundred.
Then add -99 to represent the influence of Cardinal Sing.
“Many have gone to Hell for using the mystical Blazing Torrent for their own selfish desires! What you’re doing is illegal, I mean Evil, in the eyes of the Gods. Whether any theft has occurred is of no concern to the Gods, and does not lessen the crime!
I don’t even have to explain myself to ignorant knaves like you lot! This is all firmly grounded in the rules of the universe as laid down by the Gods….Blah blah… quantum this… metaphysical that… blah blah blah…, there’s no room for dispute whatsoever!
Don’t believe you can:
1) Contact the Gods,
2) Ask the Shaman Association of Eropagnis for help,
3) Consult your own spiritual counsel (you will likely have to pay for professional spiritual advice).
An FAQ tablet has been erected at the temple gates if you’ve got any questions. Now, please allow my guards to escort you back to the temple to facilitate the negotiation of an appropriate settlement.
o.O”
“Screw your bloody balls, Sing!!!” cried the Pixies in unison.
“Repent or DIE!!!” the Cardinal screeched.
“Tell us about Games Bazaar!”
“BLASPHEMY!! KILL THOSE INFIDELS!!!”
The Temple guards, armed with butterfly nets and fly-swatters, fell upon the assembled Pixies with no mercy.
Zunderella was not intellectual enough to follow the cerebral arguments that were exchanged. In fact, she was plain uninterested.
All she saw was this:
Big Guys Tekan Small Guys.
= Bullies.
= Injustice.
= RAGE.
“OOOOEEOOEEOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
Unsheathing her toothbrush with a blood-curdling war cry, Zunderella leapt into the fray.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Since we’ve already seen an Epic Battle back when Zunderella fought the mysterious trio, we’ll fast forward through this one.
The gist of it is that the fierce fighting brought the Police, and everyone (meaning Cardinal Sing, his thugs, the Pixies and Zunderella) were hauled off to the lock-up for a cozy sleepover.
The dispute over the Water was eventually heard in a Court of Law where the Pixies were Double-Sixed for violating Mystical Property Rights. They were ordered to compensate The Temple of Zedu for losses from declining sales and legal fees incurred. Actually, total sales for the year were doubled when Zunderella bought that one bottle for her hangover, but the judged kind of overlooked that.
The court also decreed the Blazing Torrent relic be locked away in the Temple of Zedu under the priests’ care for The Public Good. Cardinal Sing was free to use it as he pleased for academic and enforcement purposes.
Right.
Totally fucked from head to toe, the Pixies packed their bags and sought a fresh beginning elsewhere. Some left for Aruwan, some for Arutuu; some settled in D’diel, some even braved the treacherous voyage to Iyarsea.
None stayed.
Having learnt a precious lesson, the Temple of Zedu stopped trying to sell contaminated water from the Holy Fountain of Airnemea. They now focused their energy on bringing violators of Mystical Property Rights to justice in the holy name of Great Zedu.
Our little friend Twinkle had a hard time deciding if she will become Zunderella’s new trusty sidekick. We were unable to obtain confirmation from her before press time. Guess we’ll have to get back to you in a future volume.
Zunderella, on the other hand, faced a charge of Sodomy for stabbing Cardinal Sing in the asshole with her toothbrush. She was acquitted when the judge ruled that Sing did not hold the Exclusive License to his anus.
With the whole saga at an end, Zunderella departs to seek new adventures.
After buying a new toothbrush, of course.
THE END (FOR REAL)
ENDING THEME - 恋のツンデレ伝説
Zun, Zun, Zun on the floor, Zunderella!
Zun, Zun, Zun on the floor, Zunderella!
Everyday I wash the floor, Scrubbing away at the moss
Showing you my underpants (Hey Look Here!)
Enemy of Anuses, Zunderella Bu-Ra-Shoo
I’ll stick it right up your ass!
Once upon a time, was a girl they called her Zunderella
Always getting into fights, to stab the arse of bullies
And then in the night, she’ll be squatting under that bright moonlight
Wishing tomorrow will be, full of buttock staa-bbing!
Come On! Let’s Stab!
Come On! Let’s Stab! Baby!
Wipe it with some toilet roll, and stab the next bad anus
Come On! Let’s Stab!
Come On! Let’s Stab! Baby!
Right up to the intestines!
Special PENETRATION!
(How long will it be, before I start wondering what’s the point to all this?)
Zun, Zun, Zun on the floor, Zunderella!
Zun, Zun, Zun on the floor, Zunderella!
NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW (Subtitles Courtesy of Temple of Zedu)
二人の小学生が、公園に遊んで。
Two elementary school students, playing to the park.
“ね、目を閉じて。”
Don't you think? ", closing the eye."
“え、何故？”
"To obtain, why?"
“いいから，早く！”
"From calling, quick!"
“嫌。”
"Hate."
“お願い。”
"Request."
“だめ。”
"Useless."
“アイス食べる？”
"The ice you eat?"
“欲しい！”
"We want!"
“じゃ目を閉じて。”
"Closing the eye."
“アイスと目は関係ないでしょう？”
"As for the ice and the eye there is no relationship, probably will be?"
“関係が有るよ！”
"There is a relationship,!"
“無い！”
"It is not!"
“有る！”
"It is!"
“無い！”
"It is not!"
“有る！”
"It is!"
“無い！”
"It is not!"
“君の事大好だから関係が有る！！”
Therefore "your power good there is a relationship!!”
“．．．嘘。”
". . . Lie."
“本当です！”
"It is with the book!"
“まじ？”
"ま じ?"
“絶対に嘘じゃありません。”
"There is no lie no matter what."
“ごめん。”
"Exemption."
“何で？”
"With something?"
“俺．．．好きの人もうあるだから。”
"We. . . Therefore the person of the favorite already it is."
“誰？！”
"Who?!”
“お前の姉さんだ。”
"It is your older sister."
“姉ちゃん？何故？”
"Older sister? Why?"
“彼女は、お前より美し女だ。胸の大きさは．．．”
"Is she beautifully the woman from you. As for size of chest. . . "
“もういい，わかった。あたしの胸は小さいだよね。”
"It was already, was understood. My chest is small, is, don't you think?."
“残念ですが．．．はい。”
"It is regrettable, but. . . It is."
“ね．．．私たちの出会い．．．奇跡かもね？”
Don't you think? ". . . Our encounters. . . Whether miracle don't you think??"
“そんなこと無い。ただの偶然だ、偶々。”
"There is no such a thing. Simply, it is accidental, accidentally."
“ただの偶然じゃない！！”
"Simply accidentally it is not!!"
“顔が少し怖いぞ．．．”
"We fear the face a little. . . "
“殺す。”
"You kill."
“誰？”
"Who?"
“お前。”
"You."
“正気か？！”
"Sanity?!”
“死んで！！”
"Dying!!”
“待て！！”
"Wait!!”
“何？文句がある？”
"What? There is a complaint?"
“当然よ！”
"Proper!"
“日本語解りません！”
"Japanese you do not understand!"
“誰か助けて！！！”
"Someone helping!!!”
つづく
AUTHOR’S NOTES
This story is best enjoyed on a computer for all the hyperlinking multimedia goodness.
The word “Mangosteen” is neither in MS Word’s dictionary, nor the BBC English Dictionary.
The reason why 3 elite commandos of the Earth Forces 31st Public Relations Battalion, Charlie Company, Platoon 1 can miss so badly is because Zunderella is a permanent Figure 12.
Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros.
This is a work of fiction if you haven’t noticed already. All characters, organizations and events depicted are fake. 嘘です。Any resemblance to people living, either here or in the afterlife, is purely coincidental. 偶然だ。
See ya.
Regards,
ZeoiNagePotato
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